Patience

The Porch People and I seem to have a huge communication gap lately.

Not too long after I wrote my last Porch People post, I received a return phone call from my contact and an appointment was set with the master carpenter.

Of course at the appointed time he didn’t show up.

I was fit to be tied. Saying I was pissed was an understatement.

I put a phone call into my contact that very day.

Since the appointment was for last Saturday, my contact and I played phone tag on Monday.

Oh---did I mention that the appointment was set on August 9th? A full nine---count ‘em nine days before the actual appointment on August 18th.

Can you believe that bullshit?

Adding insult to injury, one of the phone messages I received from my contact was that the master carpenter actually was there and left notes on what needed to be repaired or replaced.

We paid that company $90,000 for our porches and the level of communication that we receive on follow up problems takes the form of a note left on a porch?

Are you kidding me?

I was also told that he showed up at our association around 9:25 A.M. because of “traffic.”

Our appointment was at 9:00 A.M.

It was at that exact moment my head spun around.

What happened to professionalism? Moreover what happened to common courtesy?

And at the very least what the fuck happened to calling when you were late?

I took me a full day to calm down so I could clearly and more importantly---civilly speak to my contact.

I informed him that his master carpenter being late due to traffic wasn’t my problem. When an appointment is set---it’s set. And if for some “good” reason you’re going to be late, you at least have the common courtesy to call and let someone know.

Personally speaking I think these jokers are trying to blow smoke up my ass.

I have a feeling that the master carpenter didn’t want to get off of his can and schlep down to the south side.

We have a porch that’s roughly 18th months old and has questionable structural issues and a company that seemingly doesn’t want to do anything to correct their mistakes.

I’m quickly losing my patience with this situation and the Porch People.

Excuse Me?

Would you believe that we’re getting the cold shoulder from the Porch People?

Can you imagine that phone calls or e-mails aren’t being returned---by anyone?

That after almost two years a brand new porch with what was supposed to be constructed of high quality lumber is severely splitting.

And I can’t get a return phone call?

To add insult to injury now the “answering service” is picking up.

This must be a bad dream. Is someone pulling my leg?

Perhaps I’m overreacting. Perhaps they have a European mentality about vacation and they’re taking the month of August off.

Or perhaps we’re getting the shaft.

And if we are getting the shaft do they think that I personally don’t have every step of this process documented five ways to Sunday?

They have to know that I have every e-mail and every contract about our business together.

That I will go to the department of Consumer affairs and the news papers at the drop of a hat.

I hope I get a return phone call soon---like before the end of business on Friday.

If not, I’ll consider the gauntlet thrown down and it’s on like donkey kong.

You’re not taking $90,000 of our money and giving us substandard work.

I don’t think so.

Bathroom Boys

It looks like AOZ Construction is blowing up these days.

These are the nice men that took my bathroom from looking like ass to looking hot.

It was no small miracle as the original rehab performed by my developer’s crack construction team wasn’t exactly high quality.

As a matter of fact, we found that when the glass mosaic tile was going up that the walls weren’t set at the proper (or straight) angles.

As a matter of fact, the gents had to correct a whole bunch of crappy workmanship for a slight increase in our original agreed upon price.

That’s ‘cause there was a great deal of extra labor and materials involved.

Nonetheless as the pictures prove----they did a phenomenal job. I was (and am) extremely pleased with the quality, timeliness and professionalism of their work.

Sometimes I just go in the bathroom and contentedly sigh. Kohler commercials don’t have the corner on that market.

If it weren’t for this getting laid off thing, I’d have them back before the end of the summer to put in a new kitchen floor.

But looming unemployment seems to take precedence right now.

It’s always something, right?

I know one day my kitchen will be the best I can afford, but right now I’m gonna have to continue rocking that cheap laminate white appliance Home Depot look that my developer thought was so hot.

Viking appliances may not be in my future, but at least a sister can scrap together a few pennies for the Kenmore stainless package.

I’ll be giving the kids at AOZ a call. If you’re planning a remodel you might want to as well.

Mike Holmes

Mike Holmes is the second best thing to come out of our neighbor from the north since Canadian bacon.

And, in the interest of disclosure, I do have a slight crush on him.

But I digress; there may be those of you who aren’t familiar with Mr. Holmes.

Mike Holmes is a general contractor who has a popular show on HGTV Canada where he fixes other bootleg contractor’s many screw ups.

In the process, he saves home owners from unscrupulous, shoddy and in some cases downright criminal contractors & developers.

Now you know why I adore him.

Then of course that lantern jaw and rockin’ body don’t hurt either.

I see men who obviously work out and pay attention to their bodies by going to the gym. Mr. Holmes on the other hand doesn’t look like that because of a soloflex machine, but rather good old hard physical labor.

I’m sure those natural genes passed down from his mother and father come into play at some point.

I just love that big corn fed lookin’ type of man----it’s just the Hoosier in me.

Mrs. Holmes (naturally, he has to be married) is indeed a lucky woman.

His shit’s so hot one of Hollywood’s most famous lesbians proposed marriage.

He seems like such a good and honest person I’ll excuse the flannel and overalls. Then of course there is no room in construction for couture.

On the other hand, the sentences sprinkled with “eh’s” may be a little bit of a challenge. What can you do, he’s Canadian. You don’t throw out a Cadillac because it has ding in it do you?

That would probably explain why I’ve taken to quietly eyeing the nice construction workers, pipe fitters, iron workers and electricians who roam about the loop.

I see a million “captains of the universe.” You know the type---look at my Porsche, I just made partner at a major law firm, check out my new million dollar condo.

Yeah those guys.

But in a sea of those yahoos, I feel a hankering for guys who can actually do something, guys who actually have a trade, guys who can make something with their bare hands.

Perhaps it’s the physicality of their work, maybe it’s those rippling muscles and perhaps it’s the scent of man so early in the morning. Go figure?

Easy girl…refocus.

Nonetheless, Mr. Holmes’ show is on the Discovery Home cable channel here in the states. I strongly suggest that all of you give it a look in the near future.

You can’t go wrong with a man who has his own set of knee pads for professional reasons.

Mind In The Gutter

I am haunted by the specter of gutters.

Five days a week I think of nothing but gutters. When will they be done? Will they be able to handle the water runoff?

I am sick of gutters.

Unfortunately the situation is ongoing---the latest wrinkle is that the extra slow gutter guys put one of the gutters on incorrectly. It now has to be taken down, correctly installed and the downspout must be placed into the existing drainage hole.

As it stands, the extra slow gutter guys have the downspout draining next to our foundation and into the alley.

We all know what comes next when water drains to close to a foundation that doesn’t have a downward slope.

Can you say wet basement?

Or in our case wetter basement---we need more water down there like a fat kid needs cake.

My apologies to 50 Cent for borrowing his lyric.

The alley isn’t built to handle water runoff and doesn’t have any open drains where the water could flow away from the building. Additionally the alley would literally turn into an ice rink during the winter.

Mmm…water freezing and melting---cement expanding and contracting. It’s just enough to make you anticipate those costly masonry bills.

The thought just makes my eyes cross.

So now we are faced with two choices: Leave the gutter and downspout the way it is or cough up another $600 bucks to get it done the right way.

I may be sitting in a bus shelter drinking tumblers full of vodka before this is all over.

Gutter Ball

I never knew it took so long to seal roofs and re-attach gutters.

These guys have been at it since last Thursday and the only progress I can see is the roof line has been trimmed back on all three buildings and the board has been attached right under the roof line on one building.

Perhaps because we're so eager to be 95% done with the project (we still have a lighting system to reattach) that it seems that progress is crawling at a snail's pace.

I just hope that all of this work can be done prior to the next deluge from the heavens.

A Piece Of The Puzzle

It occurred to me that I’m leaving an important part of the porch story.

Let me give you kids some perspective.

Now this may not be true for everyone who lives on the south side of Chicago but I’ve found it to be true based on my four scant years down here.

It’s easier to find a senior class virgin in a Chicago public high school than to get fairly priced, quality contractors to bid on any type of construction projects on the south side of Chicago.

I only wish I was exaggerating about this.

You can speak with people about estimates and the like but the moment you give them your address either they don’t show up or all of a sudden their schedule “is full.” The unfortunate side effect of these actions are that if you live on the south side and don’t have access to people that know others in the building trades---you’re left at the mercy of “contractors” who generally advertise on telephone poles.

In short you’re screwed.

I’m not saying that contractors who advertise on telephone poles (sometimes with hand printed signs) are any less qualified than contractors who you find from friends or in the phone book, but it’s been my experience that it’s difficult to check references, licensing and possible litigation with the telephone guys.

That goes ditto for those jokers who pester you in the parking lot and the store at Home Depot.

“Excuse me Miss, do you need a reliable contractor, carpenter or painter? If so, I’m your man.”

So why exactly would I let a man into my house that I don’t know to do work that he may or may not be qualified to do? Can you spell dumbass?

A friend that works for the local phone company tells me that he knows several trades people who won’t even take estimates or bids in the city, much less the south side, because they’ve had bad experiences getting tools or vehicles stolen. He also cited several incidences of workpeople being assaulted.

In short we got quite the bad rep down here in our little slice of the world.

To underscore this fact, I tried to have a contractor give me an estimate to replace my tub and shower backsplash with this super groovy glass mosaic tile sometime this spring. After two appointments, no one from the company showed up. They didn’t even bother to call or anything.

Now that would only be par for the course around here but this lead came from a client/contractor matching service that I’ve belonged to for several years. All of my information, including my address, was already a part of my profile. If they simply didn’t want to come to the city or the south side all they had to do was not to respond to my call for contractors.

Pretty simple concept---jackasses.

While the Porch People have been great so far in terms of responsiveness and price, I will continue keeping my fingers crossed until the last nail has been hammered.

Nonetheless man about town, marathon runner, devoted husband and real estate professional James Lackland goes on the list of “peeps with props” who’s advice was instrumental to me in this whole porch process.